Suppository
by Lizard Pie
Summary: Rated for innuendos. Poor Faust... he just wants to give medical advice. Unfortunately, Horo Horo was bored, Faust isn't 100 percent confident in his Japanese, and this obviously can't end well.


AN: I have once again followed my tradition and done a horrible thing to a children's anime. There isn't enough fiction with Faust as any real part- much less a humor fiction. This, I think, is entertaining. Disturbing, but entertaining. I'm sorry, Fausty.

Suppository

For what he was sure was the millionth time, Horo Horo looked from his book to the clock. Maybe a minute had passed since the last time he checked- he'd been so sure it had been an hour. He'd already read the same sentence twelve times. Everyone was just reading... the room, for once, was completely silent. And rather than enjoy the sound of the rain hitting the roof as he would have loved to do on any other night, he wanted to spice it up.

"It says here," he announced all to loudly so that every member of the room looked up, "That receiving anal is good for the body, especially if taken thoroughly nightly." He snapped the book shut matter of factly, showing off that it was one of the few medical books (out of the seemingly infinite) Faust had brought which was in Japanese. He leaned toward Ren, giving a sweet grin to the eyes glaring at him over the edge of the book. "You must be in perfect shape, eh Ren?"

Ren's face flushed from either embarrassment or rage as he hid it behind his book. Yoh, Ryu and Chocolov continuing to snicker was enough fuel for Horo Horo to lean back and smile at Faust and Eliza sharing a recliner and plowing through a medical journal.

"So, what about you, Faust? You like anal?"

The room went deathly silent as Faust and Eliza simultaneously raised their heads to stare at the ainu. Horo Horo immediatly regret the decision to pull the necromancer in, fidgeting nervously in his seat. After a rather long pause, Faust chuckled softly and flipped a page in the magazine. They began reading at a lightning pace once again.

"I don't know anyone who enjoys a suppository." He looked up with a small smile before rushing to catch up with Eliza. He sharply turned another page as Yoh snorted and then choked back a laugh, where as the others were laughing more quietly behind their books.

Horo Horo decided it was safe enough to press the issue. "So, then, do you give it when people don't want it?"

Faust blinked, looking at Horo Horo blankly as the others died in silent laughter. Was looking from Horo Horo to Faust in confusion and probably would be whimpering like Franky if she could make a sound.

"I've had to perscribe suppositories which have not been well received, yes. Why on Earth the sudden interest?" Faust had a sinking feeling that he was quickly becoming the butt of some joke and bit his lower lip uncomfortably.

Eliza and Franky took the hint and bristled as best they could in warning.

"I'm afraid I only took conversational Japanese... I'm only just passable in languages other than German. I apologize if I have said something wrong..." he trailed off, slowly ducking behind his medical journal.

With another warning glare, Eliza caught up to her husband and turned the page on his nod.

This was not the way they'd wanted it to end, making Faust feel more self-conscious about speaking than he probably already did. They didn't know how they were planning on ending it, but that wasn't it.

There was a long pause where Franky chose a spot next to the fireplace and lay down with a contented dog-sigh. It was Ren who finally decided how to handle the situation.

"Don't worry, Faust, you didn't say anything wrong. We just... well... we found out that Horo Horo is having problems -now now guys, don't laugh, this is serious- and he was wondering the correct way to insert a suppository. We were all worried, and we thought we all should know how unless he, you know, satisfying his need." Ren shot a sweet grin over to Horo Horo as the ainu groaned and sunk in his seat.

Faust, and everyone else for that matter, perked up.

"Oh! Is that all!" Faust was smiling, looking and sounding far too cheerful to be talking about this kind of topic, "It's no wonder, with the way kinder eat in this country. The first step which will most certainly help is getting on a better diet. I'll be sure to draft one for whoever is cooking..."

Horo Horo whimpered and covered his face as every one around him sat perfectly straight like good students.

"And how would he go about inserting the suppository?" Ren pressed in a tone dripping with as much sugar as anything coming from Ren's mouth ever could. The others nodded with large grins, chests shaking with laughter.

"Just the way one would think," Faust continued, enjoying the chance to inform the boys who so often neglected their health in every way. "The easiest way is to use a small amount of lubricant if it is uncomfortable and to make sure it is deep enough to take effect."

Chocolov clamped both hands over his mouth but kept nodding.

"What size of suppository might he need?" Yoh asked with a grin so wide his eyes could barely stay open. Horo Horo shot him a look of the deepest loathing and betrayal. "I'm just looking out for your health, Horo-chan. But I'm sure Ren can get it in there nice and deep for you."

"Well, they come in all sizes," Faust told him, "Depending on how serious the problem is. That is why a lubricant is ofter suggested. It's hard to say without knowing exactly what is wrong, though..."

Horo Horo growled. Faust had to be playing dumb, no one could be this niave. Even if he was foreign, even if he was Faust, he was going to pay.

"And what about Eliza?" Horo Horo asked.

Once again, the room went silent as Faust's eyes narrowed dangerously. Eliza, who spoke so little Japanese, simply played off her husband's reaction and glared at the person who had said her name.

"And what about Eliza?" Faust hissed back, pulling her closer to him protectively.

Horo Horo gave a nervous grin. "Nothing bad, I swear! Just... let's say Eliza really needed a suppository, but she didn't want one, would you still make her?"

Faust was quiet for a long time as he carefully scanned the question. Finding nothing wrong, he answered. "I might suggest oral methods, but if it were necessary, I am always looking out for her best interest," he stated firmly with a nod. "But she hardly needs such a thing now, seeing as disease can't touch her." He said that with a particular pride, whispering something in her ear to which she smiled.

"What about vaginally?" Faust blanked before narrowing his eyes. Horo Horo stumbled to cover his tracks, "See, Pirika is getting to that age, and I need to know what to do in case there is a problem."

Faust said something in German to Eliza, who nodded curtly, though she obviously was not happy with the idea. "She would need to see a gynecologist , I'm not trained in that way, I'm afraid," he told them as quickly as possible.

"You mean, you have no training for vaginal checks?" Chocolov pressed, for once deciding not to add a pun. Faust blushed, looking away.

"We went over it quickly when we dissected cadavers, I can tell a bit... but since it's mainly internal and highly specialized it's best that she see someone else. Besides, it's unethical for doctors to work on their loved ones."

Yoh squeaked as he bit back a laugh and nodded.

"Do you have any other questions? I am trying to get my medical license approved in Japan and I should be studying... yes, Fraulin?"

The boys paled as they whipped their heads around to see Anna glaring daggers at them. Horo Horo kicked Yoh in the shin to say something. This was backed up with a kick from Chocolov as the silence persisted.

"Uh, hey Anna... how long have you been back?" He asked with a nervous laugh. He gulped and shrunk back as she stomped over to Faust and began to mutter in his ear.

Faust's pupils shrunk as his face changed from white to red to a furious shade of purple. His eye began to twitch as his body shook with rage.

The boys all tried to shrink into the couch as they realized how stupid this had been. They knew Faust wasn't exactly stable to begin with, they saw him grow blood thirsty at the drop of a hat. And then they had decided to bring Eliza into it.

Faust never took his eyes off of them, but began to speak very quickly in German. The few words they recognized didn't seem to be anything, really. No swears (which they had all knew by heart) though they all knew how dangerous the tone was.

Eliza's eyes narrowed to slits as her husband stormed out of the room. She sat for a long while, keeping the boys paralyzed in fear. She raised her fist in the air and brought it down, splintering the side table. Without even another glance she marched from the room after her husband.

"Is anyone else amazed to be alive?" Yoh asked.

The others nodded categorically.

Unfortunately, Faust hadn't, apparently, forgotten about the new diet for everyone. A freakishly high fiber content with vegetables they'd never heard of and meat from animals many were sure they'd had as pets before.

Rice was now topped with some sort of vitamin enriched sauce they assumed was German because they'd never seen anything like it before.

All this while Faust and the women ate as they normally did- well, they seemed to enjoy it a lot more than was necessary. But they grumbled through it for a week without too much complaint.

Until, of course, their bodies began to complain.

And Faust began to laugh.

He grinned at them as he swirled his glass of wine, Eliza sharing an equally mischievous smile. "Oh dear, mein Eliza, I do believe we might have mistakingly slipped some of that stomach virus we had been working with into the mix. Oh, and wasn't that three days ago, the exact time it takes to activate? How clumsy of us, we really must be more careful..."

The boys were doubled over, groaning as pain flared through their innards.

"What do we do?" Horo Horo forced out, sweat pouring down his flushed face.

Faust took an agonizingly slow sip, licking the red wine off his top lip. "You know, Eliza, I do believe we read that this particular strand of virus can only be cured with one medicine we'd have to import from Russia- which could take a few days. It seems to have been a rather large pill, only to be taken as a suppository. Oh, and what was that Eliza?" He paused as if she could say anything- she instead gave them a malicious grin, "That's right, I almost forgot! It seems that a laxative will cancel out the effect of the medicine, it needs to be taken dry."

He placed his wine glass down and laced his fingers. "So, as you say, I hope you enjoy anal.


End file.
